College Football Pre-Season Check List

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College Football Pre-Season Check List

Postby *YNC* Aloha Nole » July 7th, 2019, 6:07 am

An oldie, but a goodie.


OK, my friends it is unfortunately that time again...the off-season. It is also time for me to post the annual CF Pre-season checklist.

During this the most trying time of the year, we all find it hard to cope with the nothingness that is the off-season. So I have made a basic checklist that everyone may follow, may it all help us thru this boring and most difficult time of year. ENJOY.


Day after Bowl games end (234 days out)
Give congratulations to Clemson for a great year and their 3rd National Championship.

Read every newspaper sports section you can get your hands on to. Grin from ear-to-ear remembering a great year. Guesstimate number of days till CF starts, now frown at results.

Approx. 232 days out
Finish Grading out the College Football Season in the PICKEM, give congrats to the new CF PICKEM Champion *YNC* Me (Aloha Nole) on winning my 5th CF PICKEM National Championship.

Approx. 230 days out
Try to let NFL fill CF void. Realize how disappointing the NFL is. Store your National Championship game program in Ziploc bag. Remove children’s birth certificates from fireproof lock box, replace with game program. Put lock box in cool, dry place. Put birth certificates in a drawer (or anywhere you can find space is fine).

Approx. 225 days out
Watch East/West Shrine Game on TV. Realize how bad life without College Football will be.

Approx. 228 days out
Check out the Annual CF PICKEM Awards thread. Try to figure out some obscure stat that may land you at the top of a category. Realize that that category doesn’t exist on the Awards, and make a suggestion to Aloha Nole to see if he will pour thru 20 years’ worth of stats to prove that you are the greatest CF PICKEM player to have ever graced GASF.

NFL Draft declaration day
Let out one small, short, almost inaudible cheer because your starting quarterback returns for his senior year.

Approx. 218 days out
Catch last glimpse of real CF, Watch Senior Bowl. Feel really weird about cheering for players from teams you really don’t like.

National Letter on Intent Signing day (approx. 205 days out)
See how your favorite team fared in recruiting this year. Check EVERY sports site on the Internet, comparing stats for all conference teams, rivals, and any team within 3,250 miles of your present location. Post on how superior your team fare compared to your rival and the rest of your conference.

Approx. 200 days out
Count days out on calendar-Post results on GASF once per week. Get involved in a huge tread about “indications your team is in trouble”.

Approx. 181 days out
Receive Season Ticket Application.

Approx. 180-1/2 days out
Return Season Ticket application, with check included. Add extra postage just hoping to get it there a little faster (I usually use about $48.57 worth of stamps).

Approx. 180 days out
Start posting countdown results twice per week, start brewing home beer stash for opening day festivities (those of you that are home brewers).

Approx. 160 days out
Check progress of all injuries, and rehab schedule for all team members hurt during last season. See which members are ready for Spring Practice.

Approx. 155 days out
Actually write number of days on calendar so I don’t have to count them out twice per week. Participate in BCS vs. playoff (16 team vs. 8 team) discussion with Mike The Tiger and anyone else that can understand incoherent ramblings.

Approx. 150 days out
Spring football starts. Grab anything you can off of the internet. This gives you a small reprieve from the boredom of the off-season. Get good indication of starting lineup, commit lineup to memory. And hope for no major injuries.

Approx. 146 days out
Watch National Champs Clemson Tigers go to White House on TV, giggle to self about Trump choking Pelosi in their first meeting.

Approx. 142 days out
Checking your team wears (replica jersey's and such). Replace what has seen one too many rinse cycle's. Do Not Discard, save for historical purposes.

Approx. 135 days out
Watch NFL draft knowing that College highlights will be shown, and to see where your team’s players are going.

99 days out
Give only small cheer, for only double-digit days remaining, Check beer progress, report results to GASF. Go thru withdrawals, watch old game tapes from previous seasons.

92 days out
Cry, then threaten to sue your spouse/significant other, for shipping your older game day gear to the Salvation Army. Wonder how could they do such a thing? Maybe it has to do with the fact that they root for your biggest rival (just because!!!).

91 days out
Ship ALL (new and old) of your spouse/significant other’s game day gear to the Salvation Army. That will fix their little red wagon! While dropping off the gear at the "Sally", you notice all your old gear hanging in the under $.05 rack. You (of course) immediately buy it ALL back. Put on oldest, nastiest Jersey. Smile all the way home while imagining the look on your spouses face as you walk in with your beloved “Gameday Gear”! Giggle to self.

80 days out
Start posting count down numbers three times per week on GASF.

70 days out
Conduct “Football – The in’s and out’s” classes with significant other. This prevents those annoying gameday questions “Why aren’t field goals worth 1 point?”; the dreaded “Who is that guy in the striped shirt?”; and the always bewildering “What is that yellow flag for?” etc., etc., etc.

65 days out
Get chastised by Domer for implying he is bald (he is, you know), apologize and move on. Agree with Iconoclast that the terms "follicle challenged" or, "shampoo efficient" might not get such a rise from him.

62 days out
Try to find something to fill CF void, World League, ain't working, Arena League, ain't working, Soccer, not hardly, Go back to watching tapes of previous seasons.

60 days out
Within two months of season, slightly louder cheer, but not too loud. Check beer progress, report results to GASF.

48 days out
Receive Season tickets, let out two or three blood curdling cheers, then restore composure.

47 days out
Make travel arrangements, up until checking account empty. Start using money in savings account, kid’s college funds, credit cards, etc. After all you have 11 months to try to get it straight before next season.

43 days out
Request assistance from Pisa Joe to convert countdown clock to metric days, because numbers are smaller.

40 days out
Start planning game day festivities, make munchie list (in mind), check brewing process, report to GASF.

37 days out
Watch the US Army Academy football team travel to the Whitehouse to receive the Commander-in-Chief’s Trophy from the President.

35 days out
See 62 days out.

31 days out
Prepare PICKEM’ games on the web site for up-coming season. Make PICKEM Pre-Season Announcement on GASF.

30 days out
Within one month of season, slightly louder cheer, but not too loud, revise munchie list (in mind). Buy every college football preseason magazine known to man, initiate discussion on pre-season poll results on GASF.

25 days out
See 62 days out.

24 days out
Family has wanted to visit your house forever. You spend the day convincing them that the best dates to visit are all during your favorite teams “bye” week(s). NO WAY you want them there during a game!

22 days out
Plan to clean the garage, clean out the gutters, stain the deck, wash/paint the house and do every possible chore you think your significant other may want you to do before Opening Kickoff. Attempt to complete 4-1/2 months of chores in 1 day. Realize that it isn’t possible. Bury “Honey-Do” list behind the Garage instead. Chores completed!

21 days out
Get team flag out of closet, hang outside of front door.

20 days out
Notice team flag and pole are missing. Buy another pole and flag, then lock the pole to the side of the house with a BIG chain.

19 days out
Notice team flag, pole, chain, and lock are missing. Buy another flag, pole, lock, and chain. Rechain it to the house, and have your family dog (Collie) sit on porch.

18 days out
Notice team flag, pole, chain, lock, and dog are missing. Buy new flag, but say screw it, hang flag INSIDE front door. Buy new dog (get a Pitbull this time) .

17 days out
See Coach's pre-season poll on ESPN Sportscenter, notice where your team is ranked to start the season. Commit pre-season top 25 to memory. Commit munchie list to paper.

16 days out
Get team magnetic logos out of closet, hang outside on car.

15 days out
Buy new logos, because someone stole them, hang on car, making sure to turn on car alarm.

14 days out
Two weeks to game day, let out loud cheer, start posting game day countdown every day. Start checking USA Today for the return of the college football section.

13 days out
Buy new logos AGAIN, because someone stole them AGAIN. Buy new ones AGAIN, hang on car AGAIN, making sure to turn on car alarm AGAIN. Have dog (Pitbull) sit on hood of car.

12 days out
Logos, dog, and car missing. Screw it, DAMN THIEVES. Buy new logos, hang them on refrigerator.

11 days out
Call Police to report stolen car, flags, logos, locks, poles, and two dogs. After they arrive, invite them in and file police report. Once they leave, you notice the flag on the inside of the door, and logos are missing. DAMN POLICE. Buy new flag and logos. Place them back on the door, and refrigerator, respectively. TELL NOONE.

10 days out
Check home beer-brewing progress, or buy way, Way, WAy, WAY, WAY too much beer for one day (report results or cash register receipt to GASF).

9 days out
Let out extremely loud prolonged cheer (jumping included), only single digit days remaining.

8 days out
Recover from laryngitis, and a cut on the head from where you jumped into the ceiling fan (see 9 days out).

7 days out
Pay your cable bill for the next 4 months, just in case. Pay and subscribe to ESPN Gameplan, and the College Sports package. Subscribe to the Big Ten Network, ACC Sports Network, Pac-12 Network, Mountain West Network, CBS Sports Network, Longhorn Network, Fox Sports Network, and BYUtv Sports Net.

6 days out
Watch return of College Game Day on ESPN, drink beer, plan on buying more. Procure (i.e. STEAL) Miller-Lite NFL / NCAA football schedule booklet.

5 days out
Take munchies list to store and buy enough snacks to support a small army, in case one or two (hundred) of your closest friends drop by. Buy more beer (See 10 days out). Check TV Guide for game times, networks, channels, and conflicts, plan out TV watching schedule. Commit to paper. Replace batteries in all remotes in your house, to facilitate channel surfing.

4 days out
Replace batteries in all remotes in your neighborhood, in case your TV breaks. Fill and freeze anything in house that even somewhat resembles an ice cube tray. (P.S. remember to give the Work Boot ice cube to first annoying guest.) (P.S.S. remember to give the High-Heel-Shoe ice cube to second annoying guest.)

3 days out
Replace batteries in all smoke detectors, to prevent false alarms. Replace batteries in alarm clock to prevent over sleeping. Replace all pets with stuffed animals, to prevent any pet potty runs during games.

2 days out
Check temperature, color, clarity, and consistence, of all beer related products in your house, and your neighbor’s house (see 4 days out). Finalize all game day events, finalize guest list. Move refrigerator to living room (preferably next to sofa, or lazy boy) to prevent from having to leave room (or chair for that matter). Replace family with life sized remote control cutouts, if they will let you.

1 day out
Conduct “Do NOT Do As I Do” lecture to kids, grand-children, and neighborhood children about NEVER using the words they will hear you say during opening day games to the “Zebras”. Unplug all appliances in your house (with exception of alarm clock, TV and refrigerator) to prevent any unnecessary distractions (don’t try this in the neighbors house, he/she may not understand). Clean TV screens, wash and chill drinking glasses, wash munchie bowls. Break out team jerseys, foam fingers, flags, banners, hats, colored wigs, comfortable game watching attire, and other silly college football stuff.

:football: CF GAME DAY :football:
It’s about damn time, commence game day festivities. :beer: Leave door unlocked and wide open (see 5 days out).

This, my friends, is what we have all been waiting for; at long last COLLEGE FOOTBALL is upon us. May it be everything we have been waiting for, Good luck to all the teams and fans out there.

Mike (aka *YNC* Aloha Nole)
Petty Officer Marcus Luttrell, author of "Lone Survivor," described Navy Seal Medal of Honor recipient LT Michael Murphy as "An iron-souled warrior of colossal and almost unbelievable courage in the face of the enemy."

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